I'm in a funk.
I am certainly not the first, or last, blogger to experience a funk. Recently my favorite mother-daughter blogging duo Pam and Diane experienced a creative dry spell and some burn-out. Hell, just last week, my own sister lamented a lack of blogging mojo.
It's pretty hard to come to this space feeling inspired when lately New England looks like this...ALL THE TIME...
...and I spend 4+ hours in my car every day with broken wiper blades and, as of two days ago, a broken car stereo. Nothing like four hours of commuting in soul-sucking weather in complete silence to make one want to rush home and cheerily tappety tap some witty bits of brilliance on the keyboard...
Not at all. This is brooding weather. This is some serious introspective Wuthering Heights shit.
So in that frame of mind today, brooding at my desk that I felt the urge to map out my whole life.
Remember my two-thirds theory? I started there.
Home/Self-care Highlights/Stream of conscience: What is happening with these things NOW? What do I WANT to happen? HOW will I get there? APARTMENT: Love my place but the following things need to be done: bedroom paint, tub drain needs snaking, cleaning is great when I STAY ON SCHEDULE, need to purge some clutter and crap. HEALTH (physical, financial, mental): GET DIVORCED - seriously, find time to figure that shit out. Debt AHHHHHHH - assess and kick ass, running, stay on schedule, buy some shoes, no excuses. Strength training - NEED. Yoga - NEED MORE. Need to get a local doctor and dentist and let's get real, probably a therapist (<---clearly I'm cuckoo, who else does this?!) HOBBIES: Blog feels directionless and blah, blog break? Planning posts? Craft - MAJOR slumps. Tackle more projects for myself, apartment, etc. Food! Drink! Yay! Cook more for self - feeling really happy about entertaining. Reading - been loving reading more. Garden. Interwebs - I spend entirely too much time here. CUT BACK. Community? Performing?
WORK - MAJOR QUESTIONS - Where do I want to be in one year? Five years? Ten years? I used to know and suddenly I have no idea. What's up with that?
Thoughts on SOCIAL life: OMG dating...socializing with friends outside of the home is necessary to keep sanity, but realistically a money/time suck. Much spend mental and monetary resources wisely. Entertaining at home, on the flip side is cheaper and makes me feel like an awesome hostess goddess, however getting people to drive to my home (which is really not that far from where most of my friends live) is like herding cats sometimes.
Oh yeah, and FAMILY, FAMILY, FAMILY. I need to spend more time with them too.
Anyone still here after that clusterfluff of thoughts and scribbles? Here are my conclusions...It's not ALL bad. I've got a lot of great stuff going on - so I've got to give up the funk. And in order to give up the funk, I've got to re-assess, set some personal goals, make some freaking lists. (I've come to find that I pretty much need to put my whole life on a to-do list to keep myself accountable).
That said...I think I need a mini-blog vacation. I think I'm going to allow myself the month of May to peace out and figure out what's what. If I come up with anything that would be useful to you, dear readers, perhaps I'll pop my head back in to report. (This does happen to you guys too, right)?
Like Pam said, "This lack of passion has an expiration date!"
Parting food for thought...a little pertinent Rilke:
"I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Time to recalibrate.