Two of my dancers, Allison and Angie 
This past weekend, my dance company,
Neoteric Dance Collaborative, performed two pieces at a local dance showcase for the first time in four years. It was the first time that I performed a "real" work, i.e. not walking around and gesturing in
The Nutcracker, in four years as well. It was mildly terrifying.
Hanging out in the dressing room 
I experienced stage fright like I had never experienced before while waiting to walk out on stage. My heart was slamming in my chest, my parents were in the audience, one of my friends from college who was in the international tours of
CATS and
42nd Street randomly showed up. Combined it was so incredibly overwhelming and intimidating.
Then came the technical difficulties to make matters worse.
Twisted Obsession, my piece 
My piece started out in a tableau far downstage - some of the dancers holding their poses on one leg, (thankfully, not me). The lighting/sound guy did not bring up the lights or music for, oh, two and half minutes. Sadly, we were not the only dance group that experienced technical difficulties that night.
The dancing portion went well for both of our pieces. We received many compliments and it was nice.
Then I saw the video.
Monkey-ing around 
I knew that seeing a video of myself dancing after all of these years was going to be difficult, but it was much worse for me than I imagined. I knew I was not going to enjoy seeing how large I am in comparison to every one else or that certain elements of my technique had gone by the wayside. What I didn't expect was the feeling that I'm not capable to use my body to express my ideas. That was the most frustrating. I looked at my choreography on my other dancers, and it looked right. I looked at it on myself, and it looked wrong. I feel like a painter that has to tell other people to pick up my paintbrush for me in order to get my idea across, and that hurts.
Duality, Jess' piece 
Beautiful Allison 
It's taken me four years to step back onto that stage and I'm certainly not going to turn back now. My self-confidence is just feeling pretty bruised. I'm trying hard to celebrate this as a small victory, but the mental roadblocks popping up all around me are making that difficult to do.
Stretchy Arabesque 
This is the life that I want back, that I've been crawling back to. I know that everything important in your life is worth fighting for, I'm just feeling a little deflated that it always seems to be such an epic battle.
Blah, cheese, whine, and I'm done.
Last Friday night I witnessed an exceptional theater/dance performance by a group of twenty girls from the Dover area, in 7th grade through high school. Entitled "PROUD," this theatrical experience gave me chills. It was strong, uplifting, and fun!...
